Tendency Towards Denial
by Mockingbird917
Summary: Kurama writes about his thoughts in a journal entry. This takes place the night before the final round of the dark tournament. One shot.


Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho or any of it's characters.

Ok, this is written as a journal entry by Kurama the night before the final round of the dark tournament begins. It's kind of sort, but bear with me. I also doubt Kurama would ever write in a journal but I thought it'd be interesting.

It's a ningen habit, keeping a book filled with one's inner most thoughts and feelings. No demon would ever think of committing such things to the permanency of ink and paper.

But I am a ningen, at least part of me is. While the Youko in me shies away from admitting internal conflict, even if only to myself, the rest of me enjoys the release of emotion that comes with the flow of ink onto parchment. I need that release. If only to prevent my doubt from eating me up inside, I need that release.

Tomorrow, oh Inari! It seems so far away, but it is only tomorrow. I must engage in a fight that I do not know if I can win and I do not know if I have ever in my long life done such a thing. In all things I have striven for victory, and physical confrontation was not the only, or even preferred way I achieved it. Some times I even redefined what exactly victory entailed, but I never failed.

And yet the rules, the very nature of this tournament, bind me. They set the victory conditions, not I, and I cannot change them. I dislike feeling trapped. If I were fully the Youko, I think I would run without a second thought. Of course then I would not be particularly worried about beating Karasu.

I keep the potion near me at all times, as though its presence could give me some inkling as to its effectiveness. My only hope lies in a potion given to me by a former opponent. It is not precisely comforting.

As Youko Kurama, I always had several plans of action running through my head, options, even avenues of escape if necessary. Now planning avails me little. I can only put my trust in that glimmering chance, that damned potion. It is the sort of thing Yusuke Urameshi would do.

Perhaps it is also something Minamino Suuichi would do. He is not as easy to differentiate as the Youko is. As I am now, I am a crude combination of the two. But while Youko Kurama lived hundreds of years before the souls merged, Suuichi had been an individual for less time than it took him to be born. It is difficult to say who exactly he would have become if the Youko had not merged with him to create me.

This tournament has been difficult on all of us in our own ways. Genkai, who I wish I had known better, had to deal with her own mortality as well as jeopardizing Yusuke. From what I know of her, this must have been difficult.

Yusuke, he, I know, has been hit hard by her death. That she was ready is little consolation in his mind. He has finally dedicated himself to something and promptly lost his mentor.

Kuwabara despite his normal intuitiveness does not yet know of her death. It is his innocence, I believe, that blinds him, but I will not hold that against him. Kuwabara's innocence is the reason I like him, and I believe, the reason Hiei envies him.

I can say with some confidence that Hiei's innocence was either nonexistent or extremely short-lived. I never pretend to understand Hiei although I am likely the only one who comes remotely close. This is the first true team he has ever been on, and the amount of dedication between us surprises him at times. Teams in the Makai exist only for convenience and survival. The moment the team outlives its usefulness, it becomes every demon for himself. Sometimes I think Hiei finds the loyalty frightening; other times, I think he finds it comforting. Hiei is a fascinating enigma to me.

I can sense him now, training. Every moment to him is a precious opportunity to grow in strength and control. I don't know whether to envy him or not. In a human body, I cannot improve in so short a time. I need any strength I can muster if I am to win this encounter, and if training now were a viable option, I'm afraid I'd be sacrificing mental acuteness for physical strength. I can spare neither now.

I want to win this fight. A ridiculous statement, I know, but aside from the fact I have no choice, I want to kill Karasu. He is everything I loathe and fear wrapped up in a demon skin.

Fear...it is not something a Youko admits to, but a human does or at least, can. Karasu sees only weakness in my human body and I agree that I am more powerful in my full demon form. But being human must have its advantages, too. Somewhere, it must balance out. I refuse to believe that compassion, loyalty, and even love make me weaker.

Of course another human trait is the tendency towards denial. I'm going to burn this and go to bed. Things will work out or I'll die, but it won't be the first time...

A/N: All of my other fics, I've done straight from the computer. That's how I like to write essays and just about everything, but tonight, I was looking around my room and found one of my many abandoned journals. I got the idea for this fic and couldn't help but actually put pen to paper. I must say, it's quite refreshing. I think it enabled me to write this as a more convincing journal entry. Of course on typing it up, it was disappointingly short, but then who writes super long journal entries? Not me. Please let me know what you think of this. I'm real big on the split-personalities-don't-exist-thing, and I want to know if that was how this came across or not. Please review.


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